Rome – Kalends of February

The final episode of the first season of “Rome” ends with the ides of march so poignantly titled “Kalends of February”.

Rome - Kalends of February
“Thus ever for tyrants!” Cassius declares, raising Brutus’ hand in the air.

A powerful and dramatic season finale ending in anger, grief, murder, revenge and death and yet there also is forgiveness and redemption. How will it all unwind? We will have to wait until the start of season 2 in 2007 to find out. Production of the next 12 episodes begins in March 2006. Alternatively you can brush up on Roman history (44 B.C.) in order to find out what the next epic conflict will be about.

So much is for certain: Niobe will not come back. “Rome” is no Romero Zombie Zoo, so you can stop speculating! She is dead. Gone. Pushing up the daisies, joined the choir invisible. She is a late Niobe! R.I.P.

Paris Hilton has an XBox 360!

So what? Who cares?! Gamers on fan sites complain about how there are shortages already and are enraged that Microsoft gives out XBox 360 consoles to people who don’t need them (funny, because who says they don’t? I am sure Elijah Wood likes to play, too!) and over at blogcritics.org the whole unveiling of the XBox 360 at the Spike TV video game award show earlier this year is described as one pitiful desaster.
I guess they haven’t been at the recent XBox 360 Hollywood Kick-Off! You should take a look at this picture. What does it have to do with the XBox 360? Nothing! Still, looking at the goodie bags will probably infuriate the gamers who will not get their XBox 360 fix at launch even more.

Be that as it may, yours truly has already pinned one of those suckers down and will pick it up after his christmas vacation. Mass Effect here we come.

War of the Worlds (2005)

War of the Worlds (2005)Ever since I read H. G. Wells’s short story “The Land Ironclads” (1903) I was fascinated by this author’s visions (Ironclad blueprint). We all have seen “The Time Machine” and many have read it, too and the same holds true for “War of the Worlds“. So why make another movie out of it? Money? The chance to annoy viewers with the most irritating girl screamer of the century? Now, this is a nasty thing to write about this poor girl Dakota Fanning but honestly, Mr. Spielberg, why would you want to do that? It makes the movie unwatchable, no I am not exaggerating. Now, Mr. Spielberg might not have noticed this but these screams do cause serious brain damage (and could have been used in “Mars Attacks!” as a replacement for the “jodling”) – OK, so this is exaggerated – but let me assure you, it simply annoyed the hell out of any audience I so far questioned and as such spoils the whole fun of watching an otherwise not too shabby popcorn movie. Did I say “popcorn”? Yes.

Unfortunately, we also face the dilemma of seeing Tom Cruise as Ray Ferrier in his full glory of trying to look devastated and all he manages is to convince us that he has no clue how to play his scenes, esp. with all the hair pulling going on. Tom, maybe you should go see Oprah once more and jump up and down that sofa for us a bit?

This sounds pretty bad so far, doesn’t it? Yet, an H. G. Wells story is really hard to fuck up but with enough persistence even the best of directors will manage and eventually ruin an otherwise perfect plot. Is that so in “War of the Worlds”? No, it is pretty close to the original story; the aliens were killed by bacteria after all. I admit it’s not as screen effective as using red glowing blasters to melt them into sizzling goo, but hey, consider the ingenuity of the whole thing. Our last line of defense from an alien invasion is microscopic in scale.

Sadly, the main protagonist is miscast, the daughter of the main protagonist is a screamer and the son is just as annoying and since these three characters have most of the screen time, this picture is unfortunately doomed as were the Martians, esp. since we are not immune to such annoyances.
6/10

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)Friends warned me not to watch this but I went ahead all the same and the “Kingdom of Heaven” hit me with all its sword swinging gore and naked man boob intermissions. Cut. Sorry, what was that? Come again? First, Orlando Bloom is miscast. Yes. Please wake up and smell the humus. Bloom is not a bad actor. OK, most people think he is, apart from the girls who like the afore mentioned man boobs. Anyhow, he is not the man who leads soldiers into their deaths (fake beard or not); they would just laugh and point at him. At least in “Troy” he got to play the pansy wearing a silly short skirt but Ridley Scott had to make a manly blacksmith out of this “Milchbrötchen” who inspires whole legions to give their lives for a mere idea of what Jerusalem is supposed to be? What is it worth? Nothing – and everything. There you have the best quote from the movie spoken by the only actor actually worth mentioning in this horrible “no story and all show” debacle.

Edward Norton as “King Baldwin” is good, as far as the script permits but it doesn’t help making him wear a mask all the time, crippling his performance. Liam Neeson has a short appearance in the beginning of the movie and makes the most of it. Good man. And Jeremy Irons has seen better days than this. “Who was he”, you ask? Well, “Tiberias” of course. What am I getting at? This is not a movie about characters or their development, it is solely about effects, about swords cutting heads off and arrows sticking out of skulls and we have better movies for that, thank you.

Ridley Scott announced that he wanted to put the story (his story, not what actually happened, don’t be so foolish as to think this has anything to do with accurately depicting actual historic events, it does not) back into “Kingdom of Heaven” and release a Director’s Cut so I suggest – if you really cannot withstand the urge to buy the DVD – to wait until he does, for the theatrical release does suck immensely.
4/10